by The Dreamer
In the previous posts I talked about dreams merging with reality and what a wondrous feeling it was. The sky seemed to put a spell on me and images would be deeply imprinted in my mind and appear vividly to me.
But now im apprehensive and troubled and scared. Im drinking water but I can’t swallow because I’m so choked up with emotions it clogs my throat. That is literally the extent of my fright.
I don’t know how to explain this. …but I can’t differentiate dreams and imagination from reality anymore. It feels like I’m watching everything unfold as an audience but I’m the actress in the tv show all at once. When I saw this scene in a kdrama I was watching, the girl was crying out of confusion. She kept repeating , “its too real to be a dream. I remember it happening.” And at that moment I cried too because it was exactly what I was going through.
Now I’m afraid to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll wake up to find myself stuck in a eternal limbo. Unable to determine what is real or made up. For example, I very vividly recall my parents constantly arguing. Their agitated voices just ricocheting in my head. Yet my mother dismisses us and claims it’s untrue and that my fictional novels I read are getting into my head.
I admit, I do dream a lot. Since young, I do not remember much but I crave so much for the happy memories I don’t recall that i imagine them. I reconstruct them in my head based on a person’s story and force myself to believe it is true. Now, I’m not only forgetful, but everything seems to be a lie. A make believe world I constructed and forced it into reality.
I can’t…I’m literally at a loss for words.
I seem to be neglecting my real life and staying in my dreamland or as what people say , “with my heads in the clouds”. I forget my surroundings and make everything seem magical. I can stare at the whiteboard with chemistry equations on them but all I can see is bits and pieces of the tv show I watched last night, complete with music and all. I can psycho myself into thinking I forgot to bring something until my friend reminds me that I just lent it to her. And every reminder makes me even more scared. I feel as though I’m losing my grasp on reality and slowly drifting off into an abyss of surrealism and fiction. And now, it’s no longer a good feeling.
Everyone keeps telling me, you’re getting so forgetful. But I can’t help it. I zone out without wanting to. My mind makes up stories and has me really really believe it actually happened and this is the most terrifying thing that’s happening to me. I’m losing control of myself.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I can’t even describe how helpless I am feeling right now.