Screw Friends

by The Dreamer

This is going to be a short ranting session so back away if you don’t want to get influenced by my negativity.

Honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I unknowingly distancing myself from my friends? I’m constantly feeling so damn left out, not knowing what’s going on, and it has only been worse after my trip overseas. It’s like the main string connecting me from all my friends have been cut, and I’m here dangling off a cliff, not knowing what went wrong and what tripped me.

Holidays for me are a little solitary break. I enjoy being alone but long periods of literally going without anyone by my side is honestly the most exhausting thing ever. I try to use holidays as a platform to spend more time with my family, since I practically see my friends everyday in school when it’s not the holidays, then afterwards I find myself feeling so lost among my friends. I don’t feel as though I belong with the bunch of them, that they’re probably just being accommodating towards me. Even my mother tells me that I probably haven’t found my “true friends” yet.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

I’m such a big mess right now.

They say that negativity is the root of all illnesses, and I believe that. I’ve had many relatives that die literally of illnesses that stemmed from their constant and never-ending supply of pessimism and hatred towards the world, and I don’t want this cancerous negative cells eating away my soul. But sometimes these things just get to me, and I truly wonder if I’ll leave the school feeling alone, lost and desperate. Probably very very sad too.

Jesus-frick, what is this. I’ll just go read Eleanor and Park and cry a little now.

Anyone experiences this too? I would really like to know. And if you’ve tolerated this rant, then I’m really sorry. Go pour yourself a cup of OJ or eat a Popsicle to make yourself feel better.