Existential Crisis

by The Dreamer

All day and night, I sit with my unfinished homework, and my mind wanders to where I write and rewrite scenes whereby I profusely bow and apologize to my class for being unable to produce a up-to-standard class video. It’s daunting and depressing and has rendered me to tears over and over again.

It’s a surprising thing, though, to see one’s capacity for tears. I thought maybe I would have run out of tears, but they just keep flowing out, blinding me and stalling me from finishing my assignments.

I don’t know if anyone can truly understand the stress I am under right now. I’m not sleeping tonight (currently 1am) so I decided to write a bit to release my pent-up emotions. 

Everything is not going my way. It’s aggressively going against my way. I know many fellow humans from Gaza and Syria might be thinking this way, which makes me incredibly shameful to have these thoughts – how pathetic I am to be thinking about the pain I’m inflicting upon myself. These stories that I tell myself that torment me 24/7. Yet I can’t stop thinking about them. And the more I think about it, the more I sob like crazy.

I can’t believe I broke down in front of my family – weeping against the shoulders of a four-year-old kid that was more interested in my phone device instead of me. My cousin trying to comfort me with jokes and my sister trying to spin lighthearted advice about studies irks me (unfortunately). God, my aunt who has recently been told she has cancer (CANCER FOR PETE’S SAKE) was whispering into my hair, “everything is going to be okay, I promise.” It really makes me hate myself for being so vulnerable. For someone, having received such a devastating blow, to be comforting me – it’s just ridiculous. I am amazed by her strength to overcome this obstacle, and so ashamed of how I am crying over an assignment that is not gonna matter in the near future. I try…and I can’t be like her. At times like this, I wonder if I really do need a religion to hold on to? Because people’s words cannot infiltrate the wall of negativity i built around myself and I need a spiritual solace to break out from within. Maybe, perhaps, but I may just be thinking too much.

I am a blob of tears right now. It’s so frustrating and so, so stressful to manage expectations (from myself and from my friends) and studies and life and extra-activities like the class video. 

I’m not sure I can convince myself that everything is going to be okay, because all arrows are pointing towards a dark alley, and I am blinded by tears while stumbling forward unwillingly.