by The Dreamer

I was engrossed with my Sims (my female just gave birth, squeal!) when my friend called and asked, “Hey Jean. I’m bored. Let’s watch a movie.”

Being an avid reader, I’ve played the image of me and my friends having impromptu trips many times. My friends coming over to my house after school, taking off our school bags and having a nice nap. Then we’ll wake up and eat whatever’s in the fridge, chill and perhaps chat, do a little homework until nightfall. Sadly, there is no such culture where I live. Normally I’m the type to immediately turn my friend down. I like knowing I had at least a night to prepare myself for any social activity or even going out. But today, I just said, “Sure. Why not. Give me an hour.”

It was a nice turn of events for me to deviate from my computer screen (if not I would have invested my entire day into my Sims family, ew). It felt carefree and daring (at least for me) and fun.

And then I think of my parents who also head out immediately after the ring of a phone call. But there’s hardly anything to be excited about. Their phone calls range from, “Grandma’s in the hospital again.” to “He died of a heart attack.” My parents often leave the house frazzled, if not solemn.

As I grow up, terms like “divorce”, “affair”, “death”, “funeral”, “hospital”, “Alzheimer’s” make a stronger impression in my head. They don’t come in from one ear and leave through the other like they used to. Now,they imprint themselves deep in my mind, and they scare me.

It feels like a drama is unfolding before my eyes, a soap drama called “Menopause”. My parents bicker even more as they worry about retirement, about getting old. They’re more eager than ever to try Chia Seeds and Health Tea and Exercise (shudder). They fear about money getting used up, they fear that THEIR parents won’t remember their names someday, and they fear that one day it becomes too much.

I wonder whether when I reach their age, I will fear too.

I don’t want to fear.

But fearing fear itself, is fear.

Now that I’ve typed fear so many times, I think of “pear” instead.

The mind is a scary thing, but I hope that because I know about this tiny scary slice of reality, I will be able to overcome it and confront it with confidence someday,

钧 x x

j e a n x x