Looking back, Looking forward.

by The Dreamer

2014.

I spent my last few moments of 2014 working. My working booth was located right opposite where the countdown would be held, so I could get the best, best view of the New Year fireworks. It was exhilarating to be able to soak up the festive atmosphere, with that club music trembling under our feet and swaying our heads, and the celebrators with crazy outfits and glittery lipstick. There were smiles everywhere, people were especially kind and fun that last hour and I threw back my head and tried to breathe in what was left of 2014.

The view was spectacular. I never really saw fireworks that up close before in my life, because for the past years I’ve only viewed them from the television or seen little sparkles dot the sky from a distance. But the noise and the cheer and (mostly the cameras clicking) was definitely a new experience for me, and I was glad to have spent the first few moments of 2015 that way.

In 2014, I was a firework, I guess. A few moments of explosions and colours, but fading away within a blink of an eye. 2014’s memories didn’t leave a permanent impression on the underside of my eyelids, and honestly, I guess there wasn’t much worth remembering. Friends faded away like the aftermath of a firework show, my worries seem insignificant after a month of reflecting and basically I just felt 2014 was a year of grief. 2014 suffered an overgrowth of tragedies – from the missing flights, the Sewol ferry incident, the Gaza War, the Syrian conflict, the ISIS terrorist attacks, the riots and protests and…there are too many.

But I guess…that is why we celebrate New Year, isn’t it? Though what we are truly acknowledging is merely the passing of time, and the terms “Fresh starts, new beginnings” is nothing but a cliché, but clichés are called clichés because everyone knows and believes that it is true. New Year is a sign of hope, and a sign that perhaps we can begin with a clean page and try, try again. We are not forgetting about the tears shed in 2014, but in 2015, we will hope for smiles outshining tears.

2015. 

In 2015, I want to be a scalding, scorching hot star going supernova. A permanent glow in the sky. Not momentary spurts of light. I want to be the one that people can look up and find easily. I want to leave an impression – I want to be a permanent tattoo.

Is that a selfish demand? I dunno.

2015 will be a year of change. As of now, I’m still stuck at the crossroads of my future, and I really am not sure. But I decide to worry only when I get my results. No, correction. I will not worry.

“If you can’t find a guiding light, you have to go out and be the light.”

Last year I’ve basically been feeling nihilistic/depressed/hopeless about the way our world works, and I don’t know how I can help, and I just wanted to hide. But I won’t anymore. (I hope. )

I’m also not making resolutions – because they don’t work. I’m going to just strive my best in whatever I decide to be passionate in, and live in the moment.

钧 x x

j e a n x x

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