by The Dreamer
I’m in this stage in my life where everything is basically disillusioned; Grades are slipping even when I’m trying so goddamned hard to grasp onto them, making my efforts in studying seem pathetic and useless. Realising that people around me do have doubts about my personality. Hating myself in so many aspects – from who I’ve transformed to become in the past few months and for being unable to carry the burdens that seem to get heavier and heavier each day.
I’m also a really superstitious person, and a big reason as to why I was so hesitant to choose HC as my future route was because of some predictions that my father had discussed with me through fortune-telling. He told me that the road I was about to choose was the bumpier one, the one with the bigger monsters and the higher mountains. I would meet turbulences in relationships with people, I would meet betrayals and I would reach rock bottom for a period of time. But it is also about change. Eventually, I would shed my skin and become a new version of myself – a reinvented me (and for the better of course.)
Having gone through quite a lot today, I think it is best to process my self-reflections into words.
1) Hold your horses. Take things slower. Think it through. Because you’re so good at jumping in the deep without a freaking clue. You fall in love with best case scenarios whilst ignoring all the worst, so when the worst comes around, your bubbles quickly burst. It’s high time you realise that your words do impact people – it can hurt them, it can annoy them, it can change their perspective they have of you – and normally that’s bad. You’ve said it so many times but you never learn. Impulsiveness is your flaw and you have to put a leash on it before it becomes a burden. You trust people so easily and get your heart broken every time. Your enthusiasm can be interpreted as boasting and not knowing where to draw the line. Fight the urge to race ahead. Be the tortoise, not the hare. It’s always better to see the end, not trip over it when you’re there.
2) Criticisms isn’t easy, but try to get them in. Chew on them, even if they’re bitter, because they’re good for you and will help you repent on your sins. You may roll your eyes when your parents click their tongues, and brush it off with “I’m so done”. But deep down you know they’re true and you should work on your mistakes before they hurt someone. You’re reaching a period in your life where suddenly people may dislike you, and that may be so, so difficult to accept, but instead of brooding over it, focus on the good things instead. How do you improve yourself? How do you fix your bad? It will hurt, I don’t deny, but it’s better than becoming someone that’s like crap.
3)Stop looking at others with green, envious eyes and concentrate on what you have instead. You have friends that matter and will be there for you, so stop sulking over being left out – stop being unnecessarily sad. It’s not healthy and cliques are stupid anyway. You don’t need one to survive.
4)Words are hollow until you fill them in with actual meaning – so stop preaching ‘be kind’ and not actually do it. Please be kind not because you want acceptance, but because the subject actually deserves it.
Everyone is not perfect. We all have flaws and I’m trying my best to embrace them and to make sure they affect my life as little as possible. It’s honestly very saddening to hear people speaking up about their true uncensored opinions of me and to realise that I have hurt them or done judgeworthy stuff that has skewed their perception of me. But I’m also grateful and glad I have friends like Kahei who are willing to share their opinions bravely to me so that I can really reflect and change. It really goes to show how deep our friendship really is. And to the other friends out there who are reading this, I hope that if I have ever hurt you in anyway, you can just tell me straightforwardly, because 1) I don’t like beating around the bush and 2) I don’t like hiding things. I’m on the path of reinventing myself and I don’t think it’s going to be easy, and as I’m writing this I’m starting to tear up because it’s very difficult to accept that I’ve become this person that I swore I would never become. But I hope people can see past that and know that I never intended to hurt anybody, and to realise I’m still me on the inside.
It’s very scary to know that there might be friends who aren’t acting like their true selves when they are around me. It’s scary to discover that they might be staring daggers at me when I turn my back on them. But the ones who are with me for who I am are the ones who will stay and the ones that are worth it. I take solace in that and I will be more careful, less impulsive and more sensitive (but at the same time less sensitive because I tend to overanalyse shit). I’m going through a period of transition right now but I hope I can present a better version of myself in the upcoming days.
钧 x x
j e a n x x