by The Dreamer
There are certain days when I feel hyperaware of the nature around me, and I felt a deeper connection to the trees and each leaf and the sky more than I normally would. I think it’s partially because I’m so caught up in feeling nostalgia for the present, meaning I look at my entire day ahead of me in the perspective of the future, and I think to myself: How do I make the most of it? How do I ensure that nothing slips through my fingers and gets lost in time? And that results in me being unable to stop and smell the roses and to allow myself to romanticise my surroundings and let time slow down. I think it is possible to feel everything around you freeze; as if time is not a subject of concern anymore. I tried it today. Breathing in and out slower than I normally would, letting my eyes zone out until the objects in front of me are mere blurs of shapes and colours and essentially letting a calm vibe seep through every fibre of your being, until the charged particles around you turn sleepy and sluggish. It feels like a wonderful dream, a trance, kind of like Saturday mornings, where it’s warm because the blankets are toppled over you and your lids flutter open, but your soul is still flitting in and out of consciousness. Not yet, you tell yourself, and back into your dream you go.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Recently, I realised how much I missed writing down things, feeling the scrape of my pen on the paper, letting my emotions spill over every cursive word I carve with care. Feeling the ache on my wrist. It’s almost therapeutic. The reasons why daily diaries never worked for me before this was because I only wrote down what happened in my day, but now it seems like I have never-ending things to tell myself, which is refreshing, especially when the only judge of my words is essentially myself. I can write ridiculous metaphors and complicated analogies that only myself can decipher. I can pen down selfish thoughts in the messiest font and no one would care – but me. Sadly, typing has been abandoned for my sudden appreciation for secrecy.
Just as the title suggests, I want to disconnect. The Internet is fun; I’ve even met Internet soul sisters like Ramisa, which I am eternally grateful for. But there comes a time when I have overloaded my personal tolerance for my social media intake, and I feel that I have turned into more of a rabid consumer that I actually am; and that saddens me. Unnecessary emotions get stirred by scrolling through Instagram or opening Snapchats that I would like to pardon myself from. I realised that the flight mode on my phone can be a very handy tool. It allows me to realise that there is more beauty in life than the excitement in social media platforms – the side that friends and family wish to portray; a beautiful, but essentially warped perception that they paint. I want to invest more time in books, in nature, in family, in friends, and in myself. So yes, I’m taking a long flight and departing for awhile. I hope everyone understands that my Internet legs are a little shaky from over-exhaustion.
钧 x x
j e a n x x