by The Dreamer
I really should be doing work, but my mind keeps drifting here and there and my fingers were itchy for something more than Economics and Literature, so I am back here, hi. Yesterday, feeling exhausted from my efforts of concentrating on The Great Gatsby (a fictional world I can’t seem to pull myself out at the moment), I took out my diary and started writing. Someday, my train of thoughts drove down Nostalgia lane and I started asking myself about the purpose of me documenting so many insignificant moments onto paper. I stopped, and I turned to Page One, and my eyes roamed along its content. Oh god, I felt transported right back to 2014. I found myself recollecting so many lost memories. In just a short amount of two years, I had forgotten so much. And reading them heightened so many emotions.
And then I zoomed out, and I saw myself holding my diary. I turned and I saw my reflection from the window beside me and I was seventeen again. I was no longer my past self. Somehow, that made me so inexplicably sad. I had changed. But I was also so, so thankful for past me to have written down all those seemingly insignificant moments, because I realise they were really the big things: the events that had the power to make me feel and to drag me back to ‘back then’. And even though the world had shifted and everything was so different now, I still can cling onto these memories and these memories are now preserved in ink.
And then somehow I started penning down thoughts on ‘forever’. Because reading my diary made me realise the inconsistency of the universe and the overwhelming presence of change, and ‘forever’ suddenly seemed like an immature term, an empty promise, a lie. Call me cynical or disillusioned or pessimistic, but I don’t believe in ‘forever’. We write this word in birthday cards to best friends – saying that we’ll see each other grow old and grey and fat, and that we’ll be friends forever, but whose to know? Who’s to know what happens the next day. Who’s to know what will come between the both of you. Who’s to know when the spark dies and the distance grows greater and greater and suddenly its almost as if your worlds had never existed before, except in past realities. No. I don’t think ‘forever’ exists. It is much to risky to think of it. You may want the ‘forever’ to happen, but you can’t predict the future. What does forever even mean?
I think it is much more important to value the company and comfort these relationships provide in the very moment, instead of worrying about the unpredictable beyond. Sometimes friends grow out of each other. Sometimes you picture you and this guy at the alter, but suddenly that guy becomes a foreign figure in your life and you’re not sure if that’s who you want to spend creating the future together anymore. And that’s okay. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful and real. Sometimes a relationship becomes bland and it gets swept up by the current of time and it fades out, and yet I still take solace that I have once immersed in that warmth and basked in that happiness. I know it all too well. Reading past diary entries and seeing the things I wrote down and the descriptions of the people I once thought would be my constants, I realise that it really doesn’t MATTER anymore. I used to be so caught up in that ‘best friend’ hierarchy and the true love notion that it became self-destructive. We have to accept that some people only appear in certain chapters and they will only stay in those pages but cannot proceed along with you to the end of the novel. In the end, only the protagonist has the ability to transcend smoothly from Page One to Page Forever. But the other characters added so many colour and value into the entire novel.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. These were just some random thoughts not directed at any particular story in my life. Just a few late night sentiments stemmed from too many fiction that glorified the ‘forever’ thing and just made me feel unsettled. I guess just to sum up — nothing lasts forever: and that is equal parts heartbreaking and comforting to know.
钧 x x
Jean x x