by The Dreamer
Recently I’ve been finding it really hard to form coherent thoughts and to express them into words because they all rush into my head simultaneously and it’s either this or the heat that’s causing my migraines to worsen.
I find myself turning towards art, quotes, films, documentaries and definitely music as a form of solace instead of just books, as no matter where I look, I find a piece of my thoughts in these forms of expression, and it’s a truly calming revelation. Especially with the amount of free time that I have on my hands now (which I am so thankful for), I can explore different things and expose myself to so much more than words on paper as I am so accustomed to, and oddly feeling a bit sick of because the novels I’m been picking up in the libraries aren’t as good and engaging and relatable as I would like them to be, and I honestly can’t be bothered to thumb through the shelves. And after all, I feel so inspired by the new mediums of escape that I have discovered.
I’ve been making a lot of mixtapes nowadays, and I listen to them over and over again and they really, genuinely help to sooth me, and helps me to numb the surge of emotions within me.
As of now, my favourite mixtape is “Heavy Thoughts”, but as you can tell, my music tastes have been treading on the grounds of melancholy, but I’ve never really enjoyed upbeat songs anyway.
I’m suddenly addicted to my Tumblr again, which I had sadly neglected for a long period of time because I was building this blog. If you take a look into my Tumblr page, the photographs and quotes that I reblog and post are truly depictions of my incoherent thoughts. I reblog things that reach out to me on an emotional and intimate level, and scrolling through my Tumblr, I have found that I reblog mostly nature-themed posts, which probably stems for my longing to connect with nature like I used to in my (more carefree) guiding days.
I have always looked forward to July, as that spelled the return of my favourite Youtube series – Letters to July, from possibly my favourite new Youtuber, Emily Diana Ruth. I think I’ve introduced her in my previous posts. Everyday, the thing I look forward to the most in this month was to see if she had uploaded a new episode of Letters to July. They’re all so very touching and real. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Below is the first episode of the 2015 instalment of Letters to July and also my favourite video that she has ever made this year on her trip to Greece and losing/finding herself.
Emily’s blog is something else that has kept me company in this month. Her post on making mixtapes made me cry because it reminded me of why my love for writing suffered — my stupid computer ate up all my short stories that I had spent my holidays pouring my heart and soul into, and I just simply felt too drained to write anymore. Truly, it was a very painful loss that I would never want to re-live.
I cried about it, quite dramatically if I recall correctly. It felt silly at the time, like I was being too emotional over something so trivial. Looking back though, I totally understand my feelings. It truly was like losing years worth of diaries. It was like I had managed to inscribe secret messages on the inside of my brain that only became legible when the right songs were played in the correct order.
Speaking of which, the Ares Faculty is recruiting scripwriters for next year’s Dramafeste, but I’m too chicken to sign up, because I’m scared of so many things, especially criticism. So I guess that will be a dream that I’m giving up on.
Surprisingly, after the exams, instead of diving into Korean Dramas as I would normally do, I found myself being absorbed into the world of documentaries. The documentary channels have always been something I flicked through when there was nothing interesting to watch while eating my lunch. But now, I can sit on my couch for hours just being awestruck by everything I’m seeing. My absolute favourite channels are definitely Nat Geo People, TLC and The History Channel.
Nat Geo People has all these AMAZING TV personalities and documentaries that I adore so much. There’s something really therapeutic about watching people making apple pie or building tree houses. I found myself sucked into this series called George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces, which showcases how talented individuals transform and build living spaces out of nothing. It’s so GOOD. Ugh. I spent the entirety of today watching Season 3.
It’s so inspiring and magical to see this treehouse being pieced together, and I’m so in love with it, especially the rooftop that can be opened for stargazing. It must be so breathtaking to be living above the trees, almost touching the clouds. Visiting this beautiful piece of architecture is definitely on my bucket list.
I’m also getting starry-eyed over Donal Skehan after binge watching his Grandma’s Boy TV series, which is a mixture of travelling and cooking. Ever since, my life has revolved around his cute face and his recipes. I’m so happy he has a youtube channel. I can’t get enough of him.
I guess I haven’t completely lost touch with words yet, as recently, I’ve gained interest in Spoken Word Poetry, which can be so impactful and beautiful.
These two have left the biggest impression of me so far.
I never really liked poetry, especially since Literature lessons make us rip them apart and then piece them back together, which is SUCH A CHORE. But I am gradually finding myself drawn to the beauty of it. My personal taste in poetry may be quite eclectic, but I do enjoy modern poetry alot, and Donna-Marie Riley and Lang Leav are among my favourite poets.
I’m quite surprised at why I’m suddenly motivated to share my monthly favourites again, and I guess it’s to counter the alarming amount of angsty posts I have on this blog, which is quite a depressing sight and definitely not the impression I wanted to leave on readers, but oh wells. Besides this, I find myself reading movie scripts way too much, along with mangas and also watching/listening to a lot of musicals. I guess I’m tasting a bit of this and that, and so far, my taste buds are ON FIRE WITH INSPIRATION. I’ve never felt as alive in a long time, and though just temporarily, it’s nice to seek escape in these things, especially when school weighs me down. I’m manipulating time as much as possible, evading homework assignments (thank god the avalanche of it is not yet impending) and trying my best to spend more time with my family, and to pick myself up again.
I realise that nowadays I find myself laughing too hard, cracking too many try-hard jokes and simply just faking too many smiles in a feeble attempt to disperse some seeds of happiness around me, and I really hate it because it fills me with so much fatigue and I really don’t like how fake I can potentially become. But then again, being negative and sour-faced all day is not a solution either, and I have this constant tug-and pull between wanting to socialise or just keeping everyone at arms-length.
Guess I’m better off being completely void of thoughts. My mind can be a wonderful place to stay in, but at the same time, it can be an absolute nightmare as well.
钧 x x
j e a n x x