Living in the moment

by The Dreamer


((personal rant ahead, no faux-poetic crap I normally write. just some teenage gushing.))

maybe you just have to live for the small things, like being called pretty or someone picking up the pen you dropped or laughing so hard your stomach hurts. maybe that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

I was scrolling through tumblr when I saw this quote and something in me just snapped. A tendon in my heart, perhaps? (Just kidding, that would result in a heart attack.) And then suddenly my vision just started blurring and all of today’s events flooded back to me, every minuscule moment that I thought I had never even noticed. And then I had this epiphany: I am surrounded by massive, massive amounts of kindness. It’s so goddamn easy to neglect this when I’m faced with my own insecurities that magnifies flaws in everybody and urges me to see the negative in everything, to overthink everything that makes me feel anything less.

I resonate with this quote so much after recollecting all that has happened today. I think my memories span back to when I woke up, when my mother reminds me softly with a checklist of things I might forget to bring. “Student pass? School badge? Your jacket? Drink your tea before it turns cold.” The drowsiness was still thick in her voice. I remember walking out half-dressed to hang my towel and I see the tv turned on, but muted, and my mother’s sleeping silhouette illuminated by the screen. She noticed me staring, and immediately sat up and very gently, very fondly, placed her palm on my forehead to check for any lingering traces of fever. In that moment, I didn’t think much of it, but right now, writing about it makes my heart squeeze a little. My mother is very, very tired too. I’m constantly ranting to her about how school is simply too exhausting, but I don’t realise that my mother is also full of fatigue, from having to deal with her now seriously ill parent-in-laws with severe dementia. (And right now, my father walks in from visiting my grandparents in the hospital and just gave me a peck on the cheek. Normally I find it annoying, but now I’m super touched???) I’m so thankful for having such kind parents, who have raised me to be kind and to live gracefully and humbly.

And then the day follows with me arriving at the class bench all alone, and then Jane and Shaun streams in respectively, and I get a super bright greeting from Jane and a really sincere “oh hi jean, are you feeling okay now” from Shaun even though both of them looked really tired. Following on, many people ask me if I’m okay too for being absent the day before, and they all sounded really heartfelt, like Abigail, Zi Ding, Ren Ai, just to mention a few people, even the stoic and grumpy looking Shawn (okay, so maybe his was more of ‘what happened to you yesterday’ ‘i died’ ‘then why are you here’ ‘i resurrected and came back to life to haunt you’ but it’s COOL WHATEVER -_-) I felt genuinely happy that people even noticed I was gone, lol, and that they were actually concerned about my wellbeing, which makes me feel that our class is just really bonded and loving, despite our differences. I actually do love 15A11.

The day before, when I was lying motionless in bed trying not to aggravate my headache, I received messages all throughout the day from Caris, Rachael, Jane and even Benson (lol, I did scold him for his super rude and sexist comments that supposedly occurred in lit class) to keep me company, and my pretty little girls were skyping me at the end of the day and telling me to get well soon, and they missed me alot, and that they really wanted me back in school, and I FELT SO LOVED GUYS DO YOU FEEL MY HEART BURSTING AT THE SEAMS. It makes me wonder what I have done to have deserved such beautiful and wonderful friends.

Then during economics, Rachael was weirdly clingy, but not that I minded at all. In fact, I don’t think she’ll ever know, but it was her hugs and cuddles and squeezes that got me through the day and boosted me with a lifetime of warmth. She kept saying “I’m clingy heehee, I’m clingy x100000000” in her cute drunken way, and we watched scandalous videos on my phone during the short break, and I guess I really, REALLY did need the hugs and the reassurance (it was exactly what I needed all this while, the perfect remedy). I was super overwhelmed, especially when she told me, “I miss you, please don’t be sick and miss school anymore.”

During PE, we had an inter-class floorball match, and even though I normally hated sports, and was dreading this, I ended up having an awfully good time. It felt so exhilarating to be running and to scream my lungs out when cheering for the boys and the other girl’s team in my class, and also it felt super nice to have people cheer for us too. (Bonus for winning the match too, lol. Fulfilled my competitive desires.)

There were soooo many little moments I’m thankful for. It was not necessarily people showing me kindness or attention or whatever, it was more of collective moments that made me feel…not sad. The entire day….I was rid of sadness. It was a miracle! There were no cancerous sadness cells threatening to destroy the living parts of me that bred happiness, and I was just so full for the entire day. So full of joy. (I sound pretty weird right now…)

Things like making silly bets with 5 cents over silly little matters (like whether the girls in the class was really going to skip math’s lecture), being prodded awake by Shaun and Caris multiple times because I KEPT FALLING ASLEEP to the lull of the lecturer’s voice, laughing with Caris over stupid commentary we would make during CT session, discussing mangas with Rachael and Jane, having Jodie getting worried over me cause she thought I was having a fever again when I was actually just knocked out with sleepiness, and even the merciless teasing from the tall annoying dude from class during history lesson, they all made me feel particularly happy to be me…to be Jean. That was really a rare moment, because I really didn’t like who I am on normal days (and of course this is a bad mentality I know.)

And I think I couldn’t have ended my day on a better note than with Guitar Ensemble. Normally, the thought of having three consecutive hours of practicing Guitar, especially since I absolutely sucked at it, would have made me sigh, but today’s session was out-of-this-world fun. For the first time, I felt like I was part of creating something beautiful: music. I was enjoying the music that I was making, I was immersed in strumming my Guitar, and I felt like I belonged in my CCA, after months and months of feeling like I didn’t fit in. I guess it’s the people in Prime section which made me change my attitude towards Guitar completely. There’s Fion, who’s really kind and friendly, and even grabbed by hands when seeing me in the hallway today and asked earnestly, “Hey, are you okay? Are you coming today?” There’s Rachael, who’s a total goofball but super sweet and lovable. (and also screamed my name really loudly when she saw me on the way to the music room.) And then there’s Tiankuo, who did so many mindblowing magic tricks just to cheer the section up, and also unintentionally making us laugh with his rants, comments and sucky guitar playing. I really love my section, especially the impromptu food sharing session we have every week during break time. Thankfully, our Guitar conductor was in a good mood today, so today’s session was really lighthearted, and we sounded good, and I could play, and the conductor was dancing tango throughout the medley and I left with all smiles.

Normally on the bus, where I have uninterrupted solitary time, my mind starts to wander, and that’s when the melancholy starts to sink in, and I would just feel depressed and done with the world. But today, my soul felt cleansed, empty in a good way, and light. I managed to get some creative writing done for my own enjoyment, I watched the sun set and the sky gradually fade to night, and I felt so peaceful listening to my music and just closing my eyes here and there to simply just feel how it’s like to be existing and living in the moment.

And then I had dinner with my grandpa, and I had a nice chat with him in Chinese and broken Cantonese over dinner that he cooked for me. It was simple but super warm and filling,  like how love feels. It turns out the rice cooker was spoilt, and the rice was all burnt, but he salvaged the top, unburnt part of the rice for me, and ate the burnt rice himself. When I realised, my heart swelled in both guilt and endearment.

So now I’m lying in bed, relishing today’s happy moments and glad I have the time to write everything down, so that all these memories can become concretised forever. I hope the happiness lingers, I really do. I have to go now. I’m skyping my babes at 7am tomorrow, so I’ll get some sleep now. Finally. A peaceful, undisturbed rest.

Please pardon my lengthy gushing. (if anyone of you is reading this, just now that I really do appreciate your existence in my life.)

钧 x x

j e a n x x