all your memories will soften

by The Dreamer

Sadly, that is an…outright lie. It’s honestly quite hard to forget your past, at least for me. How could I? So many people, whom I have outgrown and have outgrown me, whom I have left and have left me, have dwelled in those spaces, those memories. To simply cast them aside into the black pits of unrecognisable grounds – it’s far too difficult; too cruel.

My whole body was a lump of lethargy today; full of fatigue. I collapsed the moment I returned home, waking up only to fill my stomach with required nutrients before fading to darkness once more. Woke up at 11pm, recharged, and now I’ll be burning the midnight oil in a feeble attempt to finish my notes for “The Scarlet Letter” before I leave Singapore for a short retreat. It’s a scary thing not to be dedicating all my time revising madly, but I think this road trip will be a much needed break for my soul. It’ll be good for me. (Shut up, rational side of my brain.)

The quietness of the night does make the words in the novel seem much more beautiful and more symbolic. This quote, particularly struck me, even though my eyes used to gloss over them in my past two reads.

But there is a fatality, a feeling so irresistible and inevitable that it has the force of doom, which almost invariably compels human beings to linger around and haunt, ghost-like, the spot where some great and marked event has given the colour to their lifetime; and still the more irresistibly, the darker the tinge that saddens it.

Hawthorne gets me. We’re forever picking on sore spots of our soul, haunting areas where we should have let go a long long time ago. I guess this is very much me. I can’t seem to let go. When will these memories, sweetened and softened by the touch of time and the blurring of its corners, stop chaining me to these places? I am translucent, here but not being able to reach out and touch tangibly anymore. It’ll be such a comfort if one can teach me to break free and set my soul to rest and bury these memories in their respective graveyards, where they should be mourned, remembered with a tinge of wistfulness, but left aside for better ones.

I’m so very excited for this two-day road trip with my family. Perhaps when I leave the perimeter where you reside in, what binds me to you will loosen and hopefully break as well. I want to rid of you. When it comes to you, I am an alcoholic; drunk with your soft hellos, intoxicated with your scent. You stir my emotions far more than I’d wish you would. Perhaps when we drive further and further away from you, the memories of you will ebb away. I can only dream.

Layla’s “Holes” awakens me. The lyrics are haunting and poetic and beautiful.

 The two of us

One line one plus

The worse of us

Comes out in lust

This thing called love

It’s not so easy

We live inside

This hazy life

Where we must find

Someone to lie

To lie with in night

I got locked inside a sadness

I got lost inside my head

Couldn’t find the light to make me?

Oh the roots they led to nowhere?

And the screaming cards felt like a?

But I will fight both of them before?

I will fight beyond all the barriers they set down

‘Cause I have covered over all the holes

And I’m ready I’m ready for it now

I got eased into a soft head

Lived in bottles strewn to light

Slowly dragged myself into a fire

I was broken by his arrow I slipped through the?

A poisoned flame that burned me higher

But I will fight both of them before the?

I will fight beyond all the barriers they set down

‘Cause I have covered over all the holes

And I’m ready I’m ready for it now

I cannot hold you, but at least I have great company. The night, Hawthorne’s words and Layla’s voice – they make me feel a little less lonely. They fill in the gaps that you cannot. My fingers cannot entwine with yours, but alas, the curve of my palm fits perfectly with loneliness.

Meditation helps. Close your eyes, and become conscious of your breathing. Imagine darkness – then two boxes. Good thoughts; bad thoughts. Let the feelings flow, let the incomprehensible words fill your mind. Then slowly sort them out. Some days there are grey areas, moments where i hesitate. Should this thought fit into the negative or the positive? Fear speaks up, then hope, then happiness, then pain, debating calmly, then loudly, and most of the time, reach no conclusion. Meditation helps, but to a small extent.

钧 x x

j e a n x x