slow breaths, steady heart

by The Dreamer

12:32 AM. My grandfather chimed 2 minutes ago, and it should have been my lullaby, but yet it is just another added element in my collection of unnecessary background noises – cicadas chirping, the whir of my fan, the riot of thoughts in my mind, the flapping of my curtain, the occasional piercing screech of tires against asphalt.

In less than 12 hours, I will be on a plane. Ascending towards Cambodia. With a bunch of strangers new acquaintances.

I am afraid. There is so much to be afraid of: the unfamiliar settings, the foreign tongue, the distance between my travelling buddies and me, the anxiety of impending rejection (if it ever did happen).

Social anxiety sometimes can lunge at you like an attacking animal. You don’t know what made it snap, but it has always been there…lurking, deathly aware of your presence, ready to give you hell. I guess I’m just really frightened that I’ll be left out. I’m not charismatic. I’m not cool. I’m not popular.

I’m awkward.

When I signed up for this trip, I didn’t know social anxiety came in the package. Surprise, surprise! Life is full of it.

There is more heaviness than lightness in my heart. I don’t where my confidence is hiding, but I’m losing patience trying to search for it. I hate that I’m worrying so much. I hate thinking of all the things that could go wrong.

Yet in me, there is still a yellow spark, telling me that this trip to Cambodia will be worth it. And that I will be able to make friends and memories and laughter. This is, after all, a new adventure.

After all, I have the well wishes of so many family members and friends.

I think I will be okay. I hope I will be okay.

After all, cliche as it may seem, everything does happen for a reason. I think I should just be myself and see how things unfold.

Well, wish me luck.

(Weird sense of deja vu. It seems like these thoughts have been recycled at the start of the year, when I had to face a new school and a new class. And yet, everything turned out better than alright in the end. So I guess this will be my silver lining.)

Crossing fingers,

钧 x x

j e a n x x