side effects of existence

by The Dreamer

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constant self-prompting: what are you doing with your life?

i can’t even answer myself when the question ‘what are you upset about’ floats up to the surface of my mind. i cry but those teardrops feel like the end of question marks as they roll down my cheeks. a tumour of discontent nestles itself between my lungs, making it difficult to breathe and impossible to ignore.

sometimes i fall off from the boat for months, and sometimes i tell myself that i’m going to start afresh on monday but by wednesday i’ve managed to topple over into the waters yet again. sometimes i have to hoist myself up over and over again a 100 times and it gets so exhausting. so sometimes i let the waves crash over me and take me wherever, i don’t care.

my aunt did a career counselling today, and perhaps it was good-naturedly supposed to give me direction and guidance, but i only feel pressure. because she tells me that i’m inclined towards the creative industry, yet “no job comes offhandedly to her mind at the moment, so maybe you are more suited for jobs that hasn’t been created yet!” which is honestly the most unsettling and daunting answer you can give an 18 year old girl who is already crippled with uncertainty and insecurities and generally always feels lost and useless and untalented.

so i’ve started to browse through modules for local universities, but none of them tug my heartstrings. i love creative writing, but do i honestly want criticism and to put it under scrutiny? journalism and writing under communication and new media is much too structured and within the box and i would feel suffocated. sociology sounds tiring. english  literature would be amazing if i didn’t already suck at my foundations and i didn’t have to literally read between every single line of my literature texts. language? nah. history? i’m too distracted – i wouldn’t be able to memorise.

what the heck am i supposed to choose then?

i’m just scared for my future, and for the instability of my emotions. i need to pull myself together, stop feeling so unsure and stop feeling so pitiful towards myself and for feeling resentful for no particular reason and i definitely need to stop dwelling on bad pasts.

like my morning mantra says: let go, let go, let go.

 

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