this is who you are.

by The Dreamer

(today is a day where i need to remind myself who i am – desperately)

you are jean and you turned 18 in 27 March, and it is in this year that you’ve developed a phobia of birthdays. 7 is your favourite number because of the 7 in 27, it is your class register number in which you like to write 007 and have your teachers ask you ‘are you james bond?’ and because of the 7 members in bts. you are crazy over them, by the way. bts, i mean.  you like the particularly asian looking ones, the ones that wear too much eyeliner, the ones that your father constantly asks ‘are they girls?’ and you’ll sulk and scowl back, ‘no they’re jimin and yoongi and i love them more than YOU’ even though you don’t actually mean it. i think. i hope. you basically listen to too much music, and it’s weird that you find it easier to memorise Korean lyrics than it is to recite the facts of the Cold War. you have a strong distaste of people who judge your eclectic music choices – you think it’s perfectly fine to like Korean AND oldies AND Cantonese AND French pop AND everything in between.

you like to listen to obscure korean music most of the time – k-hiphop and k-indie are your favourite. zitten is your favourite indie music artiste, sung si kyung is your favourite ballad singer, and epik high is your favourite rap group.

your favourite food is meat, in any form. you’re tragically carnivorous and everyone around you knows it. you also enjoy the sweet potatoes that your grandma steams, yam and red bean paste paus and barley tea.

you can’t get enough of palm readings and card divination and personality tests and Fate.

you have trouble finishing things – you start and then you can’t bring it within you to conclude. be it sentences or stories or friendships, it’s hard to find The End.

you sleep a lot. 

basically you read in huge volumes every  day, albeit the content being incredibly useless to your Everyday life and simply used as a platform to unleash your inner fantasies. you write too, occasionally, but get frustrated when your words don’t come as smoothly and as fast and your ideas and thoughts flow in your head. inspiration comes in odd timings, mostly inconvenient, and in the strangest places, kind of like when your phone charger only works when you angle the wire a certain way.

your favourite colour is yellow in its soft shades. you also like green.

your favourite book is still Eleanor and Park, but you have a deep appreciation for The Age of Innocence.

your greatest fear is loneliness and being outcasted. amour de soi is ironically your mantra when you depend largely on the acceptance and judgements of others to develop your own self love.

you like the feeling of sunshine descending on your skin but you love wearing oversized coats. obsessed, really. 

you love plants but hate the insects that come in a package.

you cry at the sight of a cute kid. not exaggerating.

your emotions come in intense heights, they are never measured and consistent. happiness in tidal waves and then frustration and negativity like earthquakes.

sometimes you think that’s it really hard for you to settle. you’ll always be craving more.

words that others use to describe you the most: funny, happy, delusional, kind, crazy.

your favourite vocabulary to be attached to your name is: sunshine and precious.

you’re not afraid of looking silly, whether it is speaking broken Korean to the Ahjumma in your favourite restaurant or asking the waitresses who makes the cool playlists in the cafe or blurting out stupid stuff in class without thinking.

people think you’re really absent minded and it’s probably true.

you love long bus rides.

this is the emojis you use the most: πŸ’–πŸ’«βœ¨πŸŒ™πŸŒŸπŸŒΈπŸ”₯πŸŒΎπŸŒ±πŸ˜‡πŸŒ»

you are insecure about your friendships but lately you’ve learnt more about who deserves to stay in your lives and who means a lot to you.

doodling on your hand, playing random chords on the guitar and online window shopping are your favourite pastimes.

you see the best in people – stubbornly so,till the point where it becomes ignorance and you get cheated and taken advantage of many times and it’s okay. remain soft and kind and vulnerable, is what you believe.

this is who you are, blooming and unraveling like a flower inviting the warmth and dew of the morning sun. remember that you are flawed and imperfect and that’s okay. sometimes you might feel a little crazy, and a little ugly, and people might think that you are the oddest ball on earth, but you’re still worth embracing. you are enough.