low

by The Dreamer

Some days are just tough. 

Woke up this morning feeling as heavy as lead, and Mother’s harsh chiding that surfaced out of nowhere did little to alleviate my already unsettled emotions. 

I was grounded. Mother made sure I wasn’t able to waste my imminent holidays which could be used productively to get some proper revision done and kickstart my gruelling death march towards A Levels. She told me I slept too early, did close to nothing in preparation for the examinations and went out too often. She even threatened to cancel the short June getaway.

I understand that she meant well, but bombarding me with such a harsh slap of reality was really unnecessary and I felt so goddamn terrible afterwards. I lost my appetite, my mind was on overdrive, and I found myself pressing the meat of my palms into my eyes every few seconds to suppress the hot tears from brimming up.

I wasn’t sure which was worse – being grounded by my own parents for the first time such that my freedom was so painfully robbed away from me, or being grounded by my guilt that was unleashed like a beast at my Mother’s wake up call.

But my friends were the kindest today. I am so thankful. 

Thank you for the concerned looks sent my way when I broke down during the national anthem, for the “it’ll be okay” back rubs, the relentless good hearted teasing that took my mind off dark thoughts when I was blanking out, falling inwards into my own black abyss during lectures. Thank you for the hugs and for sitting quietly with me when I didn’t feel right to be socialising, for tolerating my rantings and for sharing your own stories with me so I didn’t feel as bad. Thank you for being incredibly light when I felt inexplicably heavy, felt as if I could sink and you guys pulled me out like a life float.

I really hate the vulnerable side that I present every now and then – breaking down more often nowadays. I want to be yellow light, beaming down on everyone and shining with warmth and smiles and laughter. If possible, I really don’t want anyone to see this angry, despairing side of Jean, but everyone has been so accepting to this other hidden face of mine.

j e a n x x

钧 x x

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