friends, muses, soulmates

by The Dreamer

aristotle is a man full of enlightening, empowering and otherworldly insight. sometimes i do believe that some men/women that have contributed so much to the world’s development, to the world’s book of knowledge… could simply not be human at all. perhaps aliens that have graced the earth for a little while – maybe it’s their form of voluntary work or compassionate aid, you know? helping these poor, suffering, stupid and hairless creatures from a neighbourly planet out. well, one can only imagine or dwell in these thoughts for so long before they begin to creep you out. the idea of having a non-human inhaling the same (hazy) air as me, exhaling existence and magic, is somewhat fascinating but simultaneously daunting.

perhaps they are aliens that have graced the earth for a little while – maybe it’s their form of voluntary work or compassionate aid, you know? helping these poor, suffering, stupid and hairless creatures from a neighbourly planet out.

well, one can only imagine or dwell in these thoughts for so long before they begin to creep you out. the idea of having a non-human inhaling the same (hazy) air as me, exhaling existence and magic, is somewhat fascinating but simultaneously daunting.

but i digress.

what is a friend? a single soul dwelling in two bodies. 

this is one of my favourite quotes from aristotle, though i do have some doubts over it. this puts forth the contention that you can only truly have one friend – a soulmate, or muse. and it makes me question, have i found mine yet? have i found the other half of my soul residing in the bodily vessels of one of my companions? that is such a scary thought, and somewhat upsetting as well. as a person that lives for passionate energy from many sources, the realisation that i might possibly only be truly happy with that chosen one is fear-inducing. won’t i be lonely?

what if – what if our souls were like horcruxes that could be split up? and at the same time, splitting it over and over again too many times into too many insignificant fragments would deeply affect its power as well, so one has to be careful handling it.

and in my lifetime, how many friends will i have to breeze past before i finally get to the few that would really matter? how many times will i have to hurt and be hurt? or conversely, how many times will i experience pleasure and happiness and bliss only to have it slowly, painfully ripped away from me like a sticky bandage over a dried up wound? i fear it is too much to bear.

recently, my friends had me contemplate over who i could envision staying in my life in the far future. it was a heart-stopping thought, one that created instantaneous white noise in my head and resulted in the sudden dilation of my lungs. and that thought rooted itself in me, blossoming into some weedflower that i can’t seem to pull out.

being put in a situation, in my own glass case, to meditate over who deserves to stay, who will willingly stay and who will slowly fade away, is painful but at the same time acknowledably a necessary evil. now that we live in an era where the term friend has been diluted beyond control, it is absolutely essential to start channeling one’s focus on the people that truly matter.

maybe i jump into things too fast. impulsiveness – it’s in my very nature; confirmed by my horoscopes and my zodiac and even the stars that have aligned in my birth month, year and day. even in the multiple personality tests that i obsess over. recklessness does have its boons and banes; jumping into relationships too hastily before realising that it is a pool of burning hot water but you have already suffered third-degree burns. forming ties too fast and being so elated over that spark such that the fire is consuming the matchstick too quickly and before you even realise it, there is nothing but a charred stub left in its ashy wake. but also, surprising yourself with so many amazing, wonderful opportunities because of spontaneity.

sometimes i find friends that i click with immediately, that i am so helplessly drawn to, because of their energy or their passion or just their aura in general. yellow auras, i like to call them. i am so drawn to people with yellow auras. like i have mentioned before, i like to associate people around me with colours, and sometimes when i’m feeling mellow, perhaps someone with a dark purple aura, such as my mom, will be the perfect remedy. or when i’m simply bursting with so much sunlight that it’s too much to handle, i go to friends with their sunshine auras as well.

i had a brief respite recently with one of my classmates – j. we were casually having burger king when we started talking about passion, and with bewilderment and awe, we realised that we both had stumbled upon such similar paths. we had initially wanted to pursue a polytechnic degree in child psychology and early education but had been thrown into the junior college system by societal pressure. and in the future, we wanted to pursue similar university degrees as well.

j has an infectious personality of happiness. she is, undoubtedly, a fiery meteroid. if i am a star burning out, she is the ball of fire that takes pride even in its final moments of glory. she and i are alike in many ways, but perhaps she is the amped up version of me. we also share the same “enfp” personality and i never seem to fall into uncomfortable or awkward silences with her; there’s simply so much to discuss, so many eager words spilling out and ideas waiting to be shared.

for a fleeting moment, i wondered…truly wondered, if it was possible that she was the other part of my soul. maybe a small fragment of me?

but i had only known for her a span of less than two years. she wasn’t even my closest friend in class! she was just someone whose energy and companionship i greatly admired and appreciated.

i don’t know. thoughts just continued to accumulate and snowball, and soon after, my mind began flickering, like a digital photo album, reminding me of all the faces of the people in my life.

friendship, and what you can get out of it, is intangible, though it can manifest into tangible outcomes – memories. i thrive off of online fics with the “soulmate” or “muse” alternate universe tag. they simply fill me up with so much longing and unfathomable pleasure. in my head, i have written and rewritten many unpublished drafts of my own personal experiences of meeting my soulmate – the conversations we would have, the bright glint in his/her eyes that will reflect mine, the laughter, the comfortable silence, the tears shed out of relief that someone finally understands—

but for now, i will take comfort and solace in the people that i have now. they are enough, they are more than enough, and i do love them so dearly, flaws and all, and eternally grateful for their acceptance of mine.

besides, one shouldn’t lose diamonds in search of a stone. one should not live life in anticipation, in waiting. life and memories and friendships are created in motion, not in stagnation. passion is found as we move through life, not the other way around. they say don’t chase people; those who are willing to stay will make an effort to do so. but i disagree. i will chase, i will keep chasing, even when my soles hurt, my soul hurts, because it is better to be a shooting star that one can wish on, rather than be just another indistinguishable dusty speck in the sky silently winking in place, flickering and finally extinguishing…fading out.

钧 x x

j e a n x x

Advertisements