by The Dreamer
learning is a journey and struggling shows that you’re growing and what matters is how it shapes you instead of what you’ve achieved.
i know this but it’s still hard not to feel disappointed. my examination results for my recent literature and english paper have been lacklustre — mediocre at best.
it’s especially soul-crushing to know that you’re underperforming two subjects that you’ve naturally excelled at because it’s what you love. everyone is racing forward and yet im stagnant, and the more i struggle the more stuck i am in this quicksand labyrinth.
you have no idea how disappointing it is to see red marks slashed across your pages, exasperated scribbles of “please clean up your expression”, “your grammar needs improvement”, “incoherence and lack of clarity stunts the development of your ideas” all over the place.
expressing myself through words — this is something i have prided myself in and envisioned myself building a future out of. but again and again, i fail to prove my command of language, and time and time again im reminded of my mediocrity. there are people around me writing so brilliantly, shining so dazzlingly and effortlessly—i am reduced to a shadow.
my mind is really messy and my heart is all tangled up with confounded emotions. i don’t know anymore. this is just so painful to watch; it’s like watching my star take it’s last breath and dimming…winking out to dust.
suddenly i feel so pathetically innocent and naive to believe that i was actually good at writing. im nothing, im nothing, im nothing.
this is really too much reality to bear for a day. i really need a good cry but im in the bus and im just—i feel so…naked. like ive been stripped, rubbed raw, exposed in the sun.
nothing will be okay anymore.
if i can’t even do well in these two subjects, i don’t even want to face the gross results of the rest.