by The Dreamer
i had a little crying session today while i was sitting by my sunlit window, notes on my lap but eyes focused on elsewhere until my vision blurred. they weren’t tears of sadness or anxiousness or fear or anything of that sort, just a release of pure emotion that i’m pretty sure wasn’t in any way negative.
the beast i’ve spent two years attempting to tame is finally about to be unleashed tomorrow. i can’t tell if i’m relieved, resigned or…?
one part of me is indignant – angry that my future will be determined by a few papers that i’ll write over the course of the next seventeen days. i’m also angry at myself for taming something that perhaps was never meant to be tamed; something wild and natural being conditioned into a product of society.
another part of me is lost, too…i guess. the end is so near. it’s what i’ve been dreaming about for god knows how long, and i’m so close to actually tasting it. but perhaps dreams are meant to remain dreams, and corruption comes the moment one attempts to turn it into reality.
just like gatsby watching his “count of enchanted objects” diminish by one, a source of magic in his life irrevocably vanishes before his eyes as he attains the physical object with a beauty associated with his dream, only to realise that in the midst of materialising his dream, the beauty has disappeared. part of me is – ironically – hoping that the daylight will be longer than usual so that i can embrace the current me for a little longer, ground myself to the present instead of blindly looking towards a dreamlike future that has the potential to disappoint.
on a side note, i got myself a plant. it’s rosemary. i don’t know how to describe it, but it’s been such a big source of joy for me. keeps me calm and centered; just the presence of another living thing beside me, living for me, living from me, gives me more purpose than my life seems to be.
tomorrow begins the duel with the beast. no matter the consequence – to conquer or to let it free – it’s not a failure. i’ll have put up a good fight.