your thoughts pass by like traffic
by your sunshine
it’s in the dead of the night — it’s always in the dead of the night (why are you out in the dead of the night, jean?) — when your thoughts become louder than the occasional sportscar that speeds past, louder than the crinkle of the paper bag that you’re fidgeting in your hand as you try to distract yourself from the silence and the chill running down your shoulders from the absence of a warm body beside you.
it’s 3am and you’re walking back to your dorm, alone. your hair smells like kimchi and overcooked noodles, and your clothes are crumpled beyond salvation. you can feel your contacts struggling not to let go of your eyeballs, crudely put. you try not to shuffle your feet too much, but you do it anyway. the cicadas are overwhelming. can the streetlamps stop flickering? it’s creepy as heck. i could walk in the middle of the street and it’ll be okay. that’s how quiet everything is.
you hum the opening sequence of your recent favourite song to yourself. then louder, to the trees and the empty streets and the flickering streetlamps, because inanimate objects and mother nature have always been kind critics.
a video message from your room-mate. you sacrifice the last percent of your battery to listen to it. “hey roomie!! i came back and you are not in the room and it is 3am and i am very confused?”
right as you send your reply, your phone dies.
one point five;
in a way, i’m never truly alone.
(cuz there’s always some bug attempting kamikaze in my room, flinging itself against my fluorescent light the way i fling myself towards destruction without a care in the world)
one point seven five;
coming home on fridays always feel the best. i sink into my bed and its familiar smell. it doesn’t smell like home, it just smells like me. maybe subconsciously, i miss the…old…me? i don’t think i’ve changed, per se, just merely in a process of metamorphosing, one which life throws you in sometimes. the old me smells like i-haven’t-gotten-out-of-bed-in-24-hours, smells like drool and sweat and tears. in this bed i’ve binged watched dramas, tossed and turned while reading sappy mangas, slept like i’ve been deprived.
it’s been a while since i’ve had the luxury of doing all that.
which reminds me of this particular conversation i had with grace while we were wasting time on a bench.
i haven’t caught up with my dramas foreverrrrr because uni has sucked my soul
omg i know right i haven’t read all my manga updates and they’ve been tragically piling up and i can’t even catch up on bts anymore and i don’t know what new dramas there are i feel like my entire life is just revolving around university now
because we stay in hall and we hang out with friends until late at night or rush through homework and readings every day, so we barely have time to do those things, you know? we don’t have a life anymore lol
yeah…or do we have too much of a life?
i mean i used to entertain myself with all those things because i had nothing better to do, right? but now, we have actual engagements and we don’t have time to think of free time anymore
yeah, yeah. every second of our life is just consumed with actual activity-
i love it, but funny how we’re yearning for a certain lifestyle when in the past when i had that lifestyle i was yearning for this lifestyle, you know what i mean?
i think we’re just yearning for some comfort from the past, with all these changing climates and unfamiliar situations day in day out, it’ll be nice to find some solace in ourselves and what we used to be.
- monday – hall dance
- tuesday – cip reading programme
- wednesday – recreation programmes/social-emotional learning???/yoga
- thursday – korean classes
- indefinite – hall arts and culture subcomm/ hall cip committee/hall foc subcomm/wsc foc subcomm
- saturday – reading programme which i rarely turn up for anymore cuz im an ass
things to complete this recess week—
- creative writing – 3 or so poems
- creative writing – start on multimedia project
- astronomy – try to at least comprehend something
- literature – survey essay/intro comparison essay
- acad comms – academic argumentative essay
- also, catch up on all those readings you’ve put aside for god-knows-how-long
things i’ve learnt in the past week—
- we fault people for having flaws, and we seem to place heavier weight on some flaws rather than the others, when on closer inspection, these flaws simply seem less digestible to our palettes because they’re placed under bright social spotlights. in all honesty, we all have our demons, and your flaws are very much equivalent to that other person’s flaws. so stop harbouring some superiority/hero complex and accept that you’re very much as flawed at the person you’re scrutinising.
- fault people for their actions, but not for who they are. if your judgement is leaning into the territory of personal attacks on their appearances instead of a certain behaviour that is different from your values, then you’re just being a bitch.
- gossiping about others or constantly having conversations revolving around people will never end up feeling good or satisfying. (learnt that from very very good, pensive hthts with valerie and cherylene)
- if you gossip about other people, chances are, some other person has made some comment about you as well.
- meditation is so important in getting rid of toxicity.
- do something to improve the day of other people if you’re having a bad day.
- i find myself unconsciously labelling other people as “lame” or “unexciting” just because they have different levels of social activity and enthusiasm as me, and this, i admit, is a bad habit that i have to stop imposing on my own life.
- i love my hair. i love crazy, loud colours. i love wearing weird things, like oversized men shirts. the weirdest thing is, the very things that you think people will judge you for, actually end up being the very things that people point out in compliment of. there’s so much power in rocking something with confidence.
- if you’re good at something (or at least, better than others), you’ll receive more side-eyed glances and snarky comments rather than genuine compliments, and you’ve just got to learn to accept that. it’s a projection of their insecurities, it’s got nothing to do with you.
- focus on the present. don’t let the past pull you away, don’t let the future stop you from acting. i realised that life really does have a way of planning things out for you. when one activity is cancelled and you might feel bummed out about it, there’ll always be another opportunity, one that you might find you needed more than the previous activity. (case in point: sleepover with bp got cancelled, but because of that, i went to church with cherylene and met so many new people, opened up my connections massively, and just felt so renewed in my trust and faith in people and in myself. the talk i had with cherylene was so important in affirming so many fears that i had been holding in privately as well. thank you @ life for this transition towards something better.)